I can't think of a title, but I poured my heart here - Issue #23
Dear you,
OMG! I have missed you! It's been two weeks since I last wrote to you, but it feels like ages. I told you I was going on a break here. The vacation was amazing! I should probably share that in another article this week. Maybe I'll title it "Learnings and sights from my break". (I will write it and share pictures if I get ten yeses in the comment section).
Today, I wanted to share something really close to my heart, a personal story of some sort, but I couldn't think of an appropriate title.
The story begins here
Many years ago, I let go of my dream to become a medical doctor and made a crazy decision to move from Abuja to Lagos. Anyone who has been to (or lived in) either of these cities knows that these cities are complete opposites of each other. They are like night and day. Abuja has a level of order, sanity and zen, while Lagos is literally chaos. Enjoyment in these two cities means very different things. In Abuja, I often left my home 30 minutes before my work resumption time, and I still got to work early. However, if you had to be at work at 9 am in Lagos, it could take you north of an hour for a short distance just because of congestion, traffic, or any/no reason. It's just how Lagos is. You might be wondering, what made me decide to leave my comfort zone, where I was not paying rent, to a city of chaos?
My comfort zone was too comfortable, and I did not think my personal growth could come from being shielded and comfortable. I wanted to learn independence, responsibility, and how to thrive on my own + prove to my parents that they had raised a child who could become anything she wanted. I also wanted to learn branding and communications, and my school of choice was in Lagos, so agencies and companies I wanted to work with.
I moved to a new city for a year
First, I moved to a different city for a year thanks to a service program in Nigeria called NYSC. While there, I searched for jobs in Lagos and saved the fees I needed to go to the branding school. As soon as the one year was over, I had successfully secured a job and saved a decent amount of my fees. The next hurdle was this - How do I tell my parents that I am not only going to ditch our dream to be a medical doctor, but I also want to move out of the house to a new city and live alone as an African girl. For context, many African parents get a bit finicky about their daughters moving out to live on their own for so many reasons.
Anyway, I sent my luggage from the city I lived in for one year all the way to Lagos and returned to Abuja with one small bag, determined to have a conversation with my parents. That conversation has to be one of the most extended and most difficult conversations I have ever had with my parents, especially my father. I had to explain what branding was, why I ditched becoming a doctor, why I wanted to move to Lagos, what my plans were, etc. It was deep, but I was prepared. I explained my reasons and my journey up until that moment. I reminded them that they trained me to believe I could become anything, and I promised to make them proud.
Then, I suggested a contract
And most importantly, during the long talk, I offered to sign a contract with my dad that if I didn't show results in my chosen field within two years, I would return to Abuja and do it his way. At that time, I was turning down a job offering me 400K Naira per month (at the time when Naira was still 100+ Naira to a dollar). I looked crazy, but the contract worked.
Whenever I spoke to my parents, especially my dad, he would ask me, "What is branding again? Why are you doing it? You can still come back to Medicine." I would smile and remind him we had a deal. My life in Lagos was a rude shock. I was scammed. I was shocked by the type of houses they built and rented for the price. I "jumped buses", and conductors taught me how to pronounce bus stops like "Palmgrove" and say "Owa o" when I was at my stop. When "Lagos life" got too hard, I started a blog series called "Street Diaries" as a coping mechanism. I could not complain; I knew my goals and focused on them. Soon, the results started to show, and the next thing I know, my dad became the one telling people, "Do you know what branding is? Your business needs branding, and my daughter is an expert at it."
Next thing, this happened yesterday:
My dad told me how his friends sent him the articles, called him and congratulated him. They called me and were so happy. It's not the first time. Every time I have been on TV, radio, in newspapers, or publications, they always send it to me and celebrate.
Why this long tale?
I have realized that parents who wanted their kids to be Doctors, Lawyers, Engineers, Architects, etc., just wanted a level of security for their kids. They want to protect them from the harsh realities of life. It's not that they do not know that musicians or actors make money, but the probability of success is low. You have to try and try and try before you can become the Wizkid or David or Burna Boy in your career. During your years of trying, how would you eat? Will you depend on them? What would they tell their friends? What would they brag about during this "waiting period". Tech was similar. Many of them did not understand it, even creative roles. It was risky, and they were scared; scared for us. Scared we might not make it. Scared they may not be able to brag about us to their friends. Scared of what people would say. Scared that we might turn 40 in their house, and they would still be tasked with caring for us. Scared!
So, don't be mad at them. Sometimes they are just projecting their fears. You need to understand them, ask them clarifying questions, ask them the kind of life they imagine for you, their motivations, etc. and patiently explain your vision. share examples of people who are doing well in that field, share the opportunities opening up for people in that field, show them stories of everyday people young and old who have made something of themselves. The more they see, the more they will believe and this will also help them combat their fears. You can also try my style of setting ultimatums. But the most important thing is results. Results (or success) can look like different things - sending money home, surviving on your own, getting external recognition, their friends bragging about you to them, your independence, how you spend on them, seeing you on billboards/TV, etc. Keep at your dream and show results, and you'll notice the difference in how they treat you.
I am rooting for you. I hope you are rooting for yourself too.
With Love,
Blessing Abeng.
If anything stood out for you, tweet it, share on your stories or post on any platform you are comfortable with. Tag me - @blessingabeng_ on Twitter and IG. If you think this letter will benefit someone, share it.
And a big welcome to the new 63 members who just joined us. I'm glad you are here.